Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
