Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
