When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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