Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My balls are so social today.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
