Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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