Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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