I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
