Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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