Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
