So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
