I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
