oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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