we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
