I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
