Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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