ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
