Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
