Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
