I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
