My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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