I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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