she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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