I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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