I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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