I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just had sex on a roof
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
