I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
