She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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