i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
