He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
