I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
