Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
