Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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