3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
