I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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