so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
