Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
