I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
