What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
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I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
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Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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