DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
