I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
