Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
