i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
