I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
