Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
