The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
