Ketchup is God's man juice
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
