Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
