don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
