Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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