I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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