how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
