highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
