I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
