I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Are my feet made of real feet?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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