can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
