i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
